Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends" 

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" 

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress. 

What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic? 
Stress is when wife is pregnant. 
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. 
Panic is when both are pregnant. 

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??" 
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints." 

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway

station, next to a priest.

 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a

half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man

turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap

wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping

around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to

his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

 

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had

arthritis?"

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading  here that

the Pope does."

 
 
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But
now I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
 
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill>
 
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw>
 
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money.
G Gordon Liddy>
 
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting  on what
to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)>
 
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
 
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian>
 
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live
at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)>
 
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
 
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs
when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke
 
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)
 
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
Mark Twain (1866)
 
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
Unknown
 
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan
 
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The
inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
Winston Churchill
 
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain
 
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill
the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
Mark Twain
 
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
 
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to
take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson


    One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.
   
 
    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out"
   
 
    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
   
 
    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
   
 
    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
   
 
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
    You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
   
 
    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Just before they started getting ready she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
Being a devoted husband, he protested but she argued that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for him to miss the party. So . . . he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and began devoting his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to......."
 

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,  
             "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV  and  threw out all of his beer.

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. -"Nurse,"- he mumbles, from behind the mask. -"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, -"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, -"Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, -"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, -"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely, "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

 

Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they
came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle.  Bubba stopped
to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road.  Soon after,
Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had
happened.

"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and
after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and
told me to take whatever I wanted.  I chose the bicycle."

Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right
choice, cuz them  panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Gene & Joan are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a
marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.  
Joan responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."

 

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
 

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills.   

The son said, "I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive.   

How much, asked Grandpa?

"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know, said Grandpa. The hundred is from Grandma.

 

Butch the rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several  hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,  which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he  was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were! chasing pullets,  bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would  run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace  and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
 

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained.
"So you fixed the problem. That's good.", said the passsenger.
"Oh heavens no", replied the flight attendant, "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that
she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him
that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000
a month living expenses."
 

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

 

This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.  I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.  Rub me the right way and watch me respond.  I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.  Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever.

Men are so easy
 

 An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
 
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
 
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
 
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
 
"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
 
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
 
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
 
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is  wrong with your ear, Sir?"
 
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
 
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

 

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders. Using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry

Yellow.......lemon

Green........lime

Orange......orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating

them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.  "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,"Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father". The little boy replied "My Father doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many". The little boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and 2 grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way". The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly, but, on leaving the bus, leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my
stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and
amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:
1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 . Half the people you know are below average.
4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 . The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.
33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
 

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with > glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. ... I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.  She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into

the pub  and promptly orders  three Guinesses. The barman raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which  he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more.

 This happens yet again. The next evening the man orders and drinks three pints at a time, several times.  Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three pints.

A week later, the barman broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?"

 Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one  went to America,  and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of  keeping up the  family bond."

 The barman and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

 Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two Pints. The

barman pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

 He orders only two pints. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

 The next day, the barman says to the man, "Folks around here, me

first of all, want to offer me condolences to you for the death of  your brother. You  know-the two pints and all..."

 The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said," Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." 


I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".

(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.

(George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

(Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

> > (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

(Mark Twain)

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

(Les Dawson)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

(Socrates)

 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

(Groucho Marx)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.

(Jimmy Durante)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

(Spike Milligan)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

(Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

( Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'

(Joe Namath)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

(Herbert Henry Asquith)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

(Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

(W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

(W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

(George Burns)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . .

(Woody Allen)

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at  large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, " B * T C H "
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
 
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen
 

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date."  - Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."  - Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."  - Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all  fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write."  - Jay Leno
 

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."  - David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."  - Jay Leno
 

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
- Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."  - David Letterman

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."  - Jay Leno
 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather passed away, Katie rushed to her grandmother's house to visit and comfort her 95 year old grandmother. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was just asking for trouble.

"Oh No" replied her grandmother, "many years ago, because of our age, we decided to make love on Sunday mornings when the church bells started to ring. The rhythm was just right, slow and even, Nothing strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong" .

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "And if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he would still be alive today!"
 

A  young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Texas ."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64?
What the hell did you sell?"
The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a
larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's
shot, you might as well go fishing."

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, by
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super callused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was a gal who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are
there any Jews in Mexico?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No
Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no
Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but
no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound
of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against
his face as if he had been slapped there.
 The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

 "There are a number of mechanical devices which  increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380 SL."
 -- Lynn Lavner

 

 "According to a new survey, women say they feel  more comfortable undressing in front of men than  they do undressing in front of other women.
 They say that women are too judgmental, where,  of course, men are just grateful."
 -- Robert De Niro

 


 "You know that look women get when they want  sex? Me neither."
 -- Steve Martin

 

 "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."
 -- Billy Crystal

 

 "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,  natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
 -- Tom Clancy

 

 "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to  rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
 -- Robin Williams

 

 "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to  find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
 -- Rod Stewart

 

 "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have  a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
 -- Woody Allen

 

 "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a  date on Saturday night."
 -- Rodney Dangerfield

 

 "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
 -- Sharon Stone

 

 "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
 -- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

 

 "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
 -- Jack Nicholson

 

 "There's very little advice in men's magazines,  because men think they know what their doing. Just  show me somebody naked. "
 -- Jerry Seinfeld

 

 "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men Are having allergic reactions to latex  condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
 -- Dustin Hoffman

 

 "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and  a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
 -- Robin Williams

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.


LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs telling
me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO THE SMART GUYS THAT YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT!

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.  The diplomat was not use to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat  "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!" 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I  needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate  girl, but  she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So, I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a
very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
 So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 60 and looking for a blonde with really big breats.


PHILOSOPHY
If a man talks in the woods, and no woman hears him,
is he still wrong?


TWO BY FOURS
Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men
walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.  He
returned in a minute and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right, how long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”  

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
“A long time.  We’re gonna build a house.”


JOB INTERVIEW
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company.  He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,

“If you could have a conversation with someone -- living or dead -- who would
it be?”

The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”


MIRACLE
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.  He stopped in
front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his
crutches.  An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he’d just seen.

“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said.  “Tell me
where this man is now?”

“Flat on his ass over by the holy water,” the boy informed him.


RESEARCH STUDY
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.  After an hour of
gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?”

She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar stares at them.  The guy is completely embarrassed
and slinks back to his table.  After a few minutes, the woman walks over and
apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.  
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which the man responds, at the top of his lungs,
“What do you mean $200?”


I’M LOST
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve
lost my dad!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

Clock: A mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning 'tone deaf'.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

'Normal': A setting on washing machines.

Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,   who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. 

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one  exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. 
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their  butts. 

(Do you think they have bad breath?)


I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?",
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ?

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
 said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
 The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you  haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room,
 returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
 As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on  his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
 And sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later
 with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I
 said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
 He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
 and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!
she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill
 would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat
 scan....

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. 
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. 
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day."Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that  we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."


A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "OK,  pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist." The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is  Kevin."


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 


A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago:  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none
of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But  there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "wedding cake".

Points to ponder...
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is so weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "Do you know who I am? bin Laden said menacingly, "I don't need anything from a woman except obedience. Now get out of my sight." The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever. Osama thought a moment. Then, he said, "I want to wake up in the morning with three American women in my bed."
Giving the genie an evil glare, he hissed "Now get out of my sight!" The genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance!



A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. 

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. 

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "

Beer Philosophy

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full?  They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He then asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children --things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.   If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

 "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.   The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

A gynecologist had a burning desire  to change careers and become a
mechanic.  So he found out from the local  tech college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended  diligently, and
learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the  gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with  tremendous
skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want  to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered  if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

 

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why don't you ever hear about a psychic winning the lottery?

Bill Clinton was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.
When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, Clinton ordered a double scotch.  Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.
"Oh, no thank you," replied the priest.  "I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, Clinton quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, "Excuse me, Miss, I didn't know I had a choice."

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

 

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.  The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,  "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.  He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to
visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate
keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.


 A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got  nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish  I should get the job!"

 The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question  #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

 

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

 

The boy admitted that this was the case.

 

"Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you."

 

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where
he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of
her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward
to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately,
there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the
man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He
tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline
was not responsible for the problem and it would  do  no
good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami
Beach
was  having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as
uncomfortably hot as  Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave
him a message that his wife would  arrive as planned. He could
hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly
sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error
in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the
home of an elderly preacher's wife  whose even older husband
had died only the day before.

When the grieving  widow opened her e-mail, she took one look
at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the
floor dead. Her family rushed to her  room  where they saw
this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation
of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at
how hot  it is down here.


A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,
his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT??
What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

A little girl clutching a twenty-dollar bill walked into a pet shop and
asked the proprietor in the sweetest lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have
witto wabbits?"

The shopkeeper got down on his knees, so that he was on her level, and asked
(imitating her lisp), "Do you want a witto white wabbit, a soft and fuwwy
bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute witto bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl in turn put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and said
in a quiet voice, "I don' tink my python weawy gives a thit!"


A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. 
The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent. 
He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
Why not?"
the pastor asked.  "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. 
However, they did stop long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause. 
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand,"said the puzzled pastor. 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

Slogans

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Landscaping company Slogan:
"Let us plant your bush"

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush. On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon Herman went AWOL

Doing It Every Different Way

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get
a sperm count.
The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's and gave
him
the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been
on the previous
day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's
like this --

First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked, and said loudly, "You asked your neighbor?!!!"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the jar open!


Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. 

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! 

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while
wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. 

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" 

The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." 

All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. 

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. 

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." 

 


Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.  (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters.  Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go
back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food
chain .. you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?  To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved
the visible fence problem!!

25 signs you've grown up to much?

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.

 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 10 or 15.

 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up,'

 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 P.M.

17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 A.M. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

     A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer!! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man. The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "He's a midget!"


Joe and his wife were working in their garden one day when Joe looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big.  I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's butt.
Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Joe was feeling a little frisky.  He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

What's Wrong? He asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass-grill for one little weenie ???"

 
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's penis!
Angrily, the woman tosses it out of the car window.
  Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the  penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.  Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?".  Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!"  

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?

..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"